Whenever I feel lonely and abandoned, I call my father , whom I’ve hated and missed all my life, even though he rarely answers my calls.

My dad was never around during my childhood and I’ve seen him only 3 times in my 32 years. I’ve realized overtime that loneliness is a trigger for me to repeatedly submit myself to unhealthy situations even after knowing the situation has ended and failed.

I often feel rejected even when the break up is mutual. Months of rumination swarm my headspace like hungry bees on a honeycomb.

Rumination ensues for months or even years though the failed union may not have even lasted as long as the feelings of hurt.

Resentment and regret become the themes of my life and I see things and people through the lens of a rejected young girl. The blunt of blame is then irresponsibly transferred to every failed union for forcing my hand into my own unhealthy choices and the circumstances of my mistakes.

It’s like clockwork. ⏱

Once I’m lonely, I reach out to the most unavailable associates, expect the most from them, receive the most unenthusiastic responses and then I hate them, again

It was not until a reasoning with my current partner that I recognized the pattern. I was busy ranting and raving about still resenting a recently failed union with someone that the ah-ha moment emerged as illuminated as the night on a full moon. 🌕

It was then that I made a promise to myself that whenever I feel lonely, as I often do on Sundays, I’ll attempt to call my often unavailable dad, who happily resides millions of miles away in a different country for most of my life.

I do this as an attempt to soften the blow of the resentment and hatred I’ve built towards him.

Now, I’m not sure if my longing for lost and failed relationships/unions results to the uprooting of my daddy issues but it’s something worth exploring.

On Christmas Day, Dad promised to visit me in 1st week of January for a yearly celebration he often attends in the country where I live.

After about 100 calls to him, he finally answered mid sleep, one early morning to say his mom is ill and thus he wouldn’t be able to travel to the celebration.

That’s fine, I told myself, At least I got to talk to him this year.

It’s now Sunday evening and I encouraged my partner to attend to an urgent situation which meant I would be alone for the day. I think emotionally, I needed the time to tend to these feelings and wouldn’t be fully functional or available for my partner. My partner understood and agreed.

Nonetheless, I’ll be calling my unavailable dad tonight. I’ll try calling him for about 10 times , perhaps to no avail but I’ll be happily trying.

I wholeheartedly believe the Universe sees my intentions and will bring to me that which I’m seeking.

I read somewhere that what you’re seeking, is seeking you. I sincerely hope that dad is seeking me this evening.

❤️

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