For the last couple of days I’ve felt completely out of it.

I’m not entirely tied to any team at work I don’t feel as if I belong.

I know being apart of a team, community, mission or group is important to my self of wellbeing and happiness but I haven’t even felt like journaling, I’ve stood awake for countless hours in pain for the past 3 nights.

The pain felt is overwhelming and it sometimes feel as if they’re hitting me at 100km.

A gush of awareness may strike me and bring me back to presence but it doesn’t last for more than 3 seconds.

I’ve been out of anxiety medication for 3 days.

Thank you Jesus for this medication. The cost of it is 1/3 of my salary and I marveled today about how difficult it would’ve been to afford this without having a job.

I’m thankful for having a job.

At times I wonder if I made a mistake to leap into the abyss of the unknown to explore other career areas. I was happy that in a time of social , global and economical uncertainty, I could rotate to different areas and gain hands on experience, volunteering and observing different desks at work.

But , I have to admit every day is a struggle.

Work is a struggle. Relationships are a struggle.

Maintaining friendships requires effort that I sometimes feel I don’t have .

Sometimes I need space, until loneliness takes over.

Trying to feel safe meanwhile crime and COVID numbers are spiraling is draining.

When will things feel –

Like home?.