Yesterday I admitted to my friend that for year’s said friend stood as a trigger for me, a trigger of abandonment since when we were kids, we were periodically physically intimate.

I thought we were a thing, and then we ended.

During a disagreement with someone else, I decided to call said friend and unload and blame my friend for all that I was currently going through , with someone else.

The Audacity.

I cried and apologised for unloading all that verbal garbage and heaviness to the said person last week, but the truth is, I hadn’t realised all this until a few days later.

I couldn’t receive the message, even though I was told by my friend, during this mental unloading, that I’m projecting some pain, reflecting from something else.

For years, I’ve tried to avoid any situation that felt like it would conclude in abandonment and loneliness.

This person should not have received such a burdensome responsibility of being my trigger when in actuality, said person didn’t even know anything about these feelings and sentiments.

The truth is, I have some work to do.

This person hadn’t known the resentment I carried for years. And I also didn’t have the language to realise or communicate this.

I knew that there was some unsettling feeling with this friend, but I often confused it for attraction. It is now that I understand the thin line between contrasting concepts, Love and hate.

Not that I hate my friend, but now I understand.

With this reckoning, I’m not sure about the future of our friendship since once cannot heal in the same environment in which one was hurt, and I have to re-define for myself, who did the real hurting here.

Because my friend indeed didn’t. At least, not consciously. It was me who was hurting myself all this time.

My friend has also made it very clear that their space needs to be protected, and a safe space is a priority for said person.

I support this wholeheartedly.

Universe, as I open my heart and mind to accept change and healing, I pray for anyone in need of this same reckoning and healing too.

Dear Jesus, would you please help us to have compassion for our grieving selves and the people we have hurt in the process?

Would you please help us to forgive those who have hurt us in the process?

Please help us to be open to constant growth and mindfulness as we navigate and sough a successful life.

A life where intangible success trumps everything else.

🙏🏾